How Do You Feel About Gender?

So, I have an essay due soon for English class and usually I’d be alright with that. However, the prompt is what is really bugging me. It’s about gender and whether or not I believe that gender is binary and whether or not I believe that a person can choose their gender. It bugs me because I feel uncomfortable writing an essay on something I barely even understand. It bugs me because I identify as a woman, but, the reason why I identify as a woman doesn’t quite answer the question being asked here. And I don’t know what does.

I  have female anatomy and I am sexually attracted to men. Does that make me a woman though? Am I a woman because I feel and say that I am? Is it that simple?   Gender is like this stand alone concept that has nothing to do with anatomy or sexual preference but I just don’t know if feeling like a woman is enough to qualify you as one. Perhaps I’m too blinded by today’s constructs on gender to see the over-arching point.

I can’t really say that I’m neutral on this topic because neutrality can be a form of oppression. I don’t hold any hate in my heart towards anyone who is turning society’s ideas of gender on it’s head. It isn’t my place to judge anyone. I just never expected to have to have an opinion. I don’t know what my beliefs are of gender because I’ve never challenged society in that way. I know people who have but I never had to be involved until now. Do I believe in ideas like “Men shouldn’t wear pink.” or “A woman’s place is in the kitchen.”? No, of course not. However, I don’t know where I stand on people getting to choose their gender.

I suppose it will take more research and open mindedness. The understanding will come once I step out of my comfort zone. I hope the next coming days will lead me to declare a belief that agrees with my head and my heart. How do you guys feel about gender? Please forgive any ignorance on my part. I just want to understand this topic a little bit better. I’m being honest and open with my feelings.

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A longing for something more.

In the midst of all of my nervous babbling and blushing, he grabbed my chin and pulled my face towards his. I felt my insides lurch and in that moment I didn’t know if I should pull away or kiss harder. I was frozen but my skin was aflame. My thoughts were disappearing faster than my clothes and I needed to get back in control before I did something I would regret. He let go of me and stared directly into my eyes. His own face was a mask of passion, lust, and timidness.

“Renee…” He slowed down but couldn’t resist repetitively rubbing his hand against mine. How could he say my name with such devotion? Was it the moment talking? Or, would he always say my name like that? I wanted to lose myself in this moment of pleasure but the thing about pleasure is that pleasure is fleeting.

“I just don’t want to move too fast.” I felt the awkwardness fill the space in between us as soon as I had said it. It was at that moment that I realized that we were both in our underwear, shivering now that the heat of the moment dissipated. Was I being too childish? Did I expect to not have sex? Are impromptu make out sessions too highschool? I wanted him but I didn’t want this to be the extent. I need to know that he will try and find another way inside of me if I choose to keep my legs closed. I need for him to understand that my exquisiteness exceeds the bedroom. I want the intentions of his heart to drive me insane not just his body. I will show him that love does not equal sex and that it is possible to fall in love again.